It Can Happen to Any One of Us

This morning I was listening to the Bert Show on my way to work, and they were talking about the Rihanna interview where she finally speaks out about her abusive relationship with Chris Brown.

They were talking about her continually mentioning and emphasizing how embarrassed she was about the situation. They couldn't understand why Rihanna was so embarrassed, because it wasn't her fault, etc. I almost called in to the show, because something unexplainable was whelming up inside of me as I listened to this segment and remembered having those same feelings of embarrassment after getting out of an abusive relationship in my mid-twenties.

But I didn't call in, because I'm still embarrassed. I never talk about this part of my life, because I'm still embarrassed. But the fact is, it's part of my story and by the grace of God, I was delivered. I'm not going to broadcast this part of my life with a megaphone, but I shouldn't be silenced by shame, so here goes...

I was in an abusive relationship for a year...but it took a year and 2 beatings before I woke up and realized I was even in an abusive relationship. That's very embarrassing.

Also, the possibility of I could allow myself to be victim to an abusive relationship never occurred to me....even when it was happening. When I think of domestic abuse, I always pictured uneducated, weak women with a dysfunctional family life, living in the backwoods. I was a 25-yr-old attractive, successful, college-educated woman. I was raised to be strong and independent, but somehow I ended up in both an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I even left my life and friends in Atlanta to move to Nashville to be with my abuser, because I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship. That's very embarrassing.

But once I was OUT and reflected back, the signs were there. For example, if I tried to walk away when we fought, he would grab me HARD, sling me around or pin me down on the ground or against the wall. It would startle me, but again, I never thought he would really hurt me. I remember one night, we were fighting on a street corner, and a cop pulled me aside and said, "Is he going to hurt you? Do you need me to intervene?" I looked at him completely mortified and said, "No, that's crazy. He's not going to hurt me." Then the cop said, "Well, if he hasn't hurt you yet, there's a good chance he will. I've seen these things too many times and the way he is handling you is typical of abuse." That freaked me out a little, but I passed it off for a paranoid cop who didn't know our situation and I would never date someone that would be abusive.

The actual beating didn't happen until a month before I moved to Nashville. We were having one of our typical drunk fights, but this time he snapped. He slammed me against the wall and started choking me. When I broke free and ran in the house to grab my things, he again pinned me down on the ground and bit me and did whatever in his power to try and keep me from leaving. But he never actually threw a punch at me, so even after this, I STILL didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship! After he cried and groveled to me with the shame of what he'd done, he convinced me it was a one-time thing, he was drunk, he will never do that to me again, blah, blah, blah.

But it did happen again, a few months later, after I had dropped my life in Atlanta to be with him in Nashville. And that was when I realized that sure enough, I-attractive, successful, educated me-was in fact in an abusive relationship. And that's when I got out and with the help of family, friends and Divine intervention, I quickly moved back to Atlanta to get far away from him.

But I am still to this day embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that it took me that long to get out...that I didn't walk away after the first sign, much less the first beating. Embarrassed that I allowed someone to have that kind of control over me. Embarrassed I didn't listen to friends that warned me of the red flags they saw in our relationship. Embarrassed that I allowed him to rob me of my confidence and independence.

But what I learned is that it absolutely can happen to anyone, and the least suspecting man can have these abusive issues and the least suspecting woman can be a victim of domestic abuse. For those women who are like I was and think "I will never get myself into that", think again. Along with your own denial, physical abuse is coupled with emotional abuse, and as most abusers, mine was a master manipulator. He would attack my inner intuition to where I didn't know what was right, wrong or who I even was anymore.

So all I can say to women in any relationship is to stay aware and listen to your intuition...God gave women extra intuition for a reason. Listen to those around you who are able to see the situation from the outside. And don't let embarrassment or shame silence you.

Religion eloquently put.

I have to admit, I stole this off another Blog. But these lyrics from David Wilcox song, "Good Man" are just too eloquent and is exactly I feel about religion in much of the Bible Belt.

Let me apologize in advance
For the way my friend behaves
He’ll pick a fight and take a holy stance
He’s so proud that he’s so saved

I hope you don’t judge Jesus
By the things my friend will say
He holds a bible like a dagger
And he twists it just that way

He just loves conversation—like a cat loves a bird
I guess he’s always been a good man—in the worst sense of the word

The good knights went out to save the day
In the age of the crusades
A sharp sword on a tortured soul
They were sure the point was made
Any tool can be a weapon
If it’s used with that intent
The devil’s great at quoting scripture
And confusing what it meant

So all the evils done for Jesus —it is a history so absurd
But there will always be a good man—in the worst sense of the word

They ‘jacked a plane to make a sneak attack
They were trained to die in flames
Their last words were to God above
Just to praise His holy name

For all the terror and destruction
They felt no sense of shame
You gotta wonder why religion
Can make people so insane

But their devotion was unquestioned—follow straight and never swerve
The devil always needs a good man—in the worst sense of the word.

Celebrate Life

Over the past week, I've been bombarded by death. We all have really, with the multiple celebrity deaths, specifically the beloved Michael Jackson. But then I also had a close friend lose her grandmother last week, so a few close friends road tripped it to South Carolina on Sunday to attend the funeral and be by our friend's side.

The combination of these events got me thinking what I want my funeral to be like. First of all, I want it to be a celebration of life. No matter when I go-even if it's tomorrow, I believe God's blessed me with a full, abundant life, so I want people to celebrate this blessing of life that God gives us. My favorite way to celebrate is dancing, so I want a big dance party with all my favorite songs that I love to dance and sing at the top of my lungs. The following is a glimpse of my celebration playlist:

1. Holiday-Madonna
2. Bombs Over Baghdad-Outkast
3. Man in the Mirror-Michael Jackson
4. Change-Tupac
5. I'll be missing you-P. Diddy version
6. Pour some Sugar on me-Def Leopard
7. Dancing on the Ceiling-Lionel Ritchie
8. PYT-Michael Jackson
9. Bye Bye Bye-'N Sync
10. Step by Step-New Kids on the Block
11. Don't Stop Believing-Journey
12. The Way you make me Feel-Michael Jackson
13. Like a Prayer-Madonna
14. Low-Flo Rida
15. Sunday Bloody Sunday-U2
16. All Night Long-Lionel Ritchie

This is just a sample of songs, that I wouldn't necessarily label amazing music, so don't judge me. But they are all songs that when I hear them come on, I grab the closest fake microphone and sing at the top of my lungs and start shaking my hips. It's music that makes me happy.

I want the tears to turn from sad to happy and that silly stories are shared that makes everyone laugh. With all the death that's happened this week, it's amazing to hear the accomplishments, the blessing and the mark these people have made on the world. Hearing my friend share the influence that her grandmother had in her life and others lives was a beautiful reminder that life is a gift from God, and we have a chance to make something amazing of it. Although the loss is sad, overall the thumbprint we make in God's story is worth celebrating. So if I go to be with Jesus tomorrow, I want my funeral to be a party.

Childhood Reminder #4: Michael Jackson

Where do I start? A piece of my childhood died yesterday. I LOVED Michael Jackson as a child. While most girls were into Madonna and Debbie Gibson, I was into Michael Jackson. I don't remember too much about the Thriller obsession, because I was only 2, but I do remember having nightmares from seeing the music video on MTV. And does anyone remember the Captain Eo attraction at Disneyworld? Yeah, I saw it..and just like every other kid was completely mezmerized.

A music legend left us today. I'm not going to talk about the troubled Michael Jackson, as that was a result of his abusive upbringing and exploitation. I want to remember the Michael Jackson that I knew as a kid....John Mayer put it best with "I truly hope he is memorialized as the '83 moonwalking, MTV owning, mesmerizing, unstoppable, invincible Michael Jackson."

When old school Michael Jackson comes on, you can't help but dance! I'm listening to "Bad" right now as I write this, shaking my shoulders and bobbing my head. It's like my body has a mind of it's own when it comes to this music. Last night, Kay and I were on our way to Yacht Rock at Ten High, but then I heard "Man in the Mirror" blasting on the jukebox inside The Dard Horse. The music took over, and we quickly ran inside and danced the night away with strangers to all the MJ classics. It truly is dynamic and captivating.

Remember the old school Michael Jackson? This man came ALIVE when he was on stage. He defined pop music and created dance moves that made our jaws drop. Music, dancing and entertaining was all he ever knew....it was what made him the King of Pop and what may have ultimately killed him. As tragic as Michael's story ended, I remember and celebrate the musical mark that he left on the world.

SOPO is What the Church should be

SOPO is what church is supposed to be. SOPO stands for "South of Ponce", and it's a community project that encourages cycling. Their mission statement is "to create equitable access to cycling by providing affordable bicycle maintenance, services and education." But it's so much more than that.

I've been spending a lot of time there because I bought a vintage road bike that was a real fixer-upper. I love my bike..it's become my baby because I have lubbed it, replaced all the rusty cables, gotten it new tires, etc. And all this I did myself and for FREE, because of SOPO. At SOPO, you can build a bike from scratch for practically nothing because you build it using donated parts. However, you have to build it yourself, but that's what makes it so freakin' cool!

From the first night I showed up there, the community at SOPO was eager to help me with my bike project. I timidly walked up a little lost sorority girl among a sea of hipsters, but at SOPO they don't judge. It doesn't matter where you come from or what you look like, the SOPO community embraces and welcomes you.

There's bike experts that come up there just to help people and educate them on how to fix their bike. Everyone is working together, helping and teaching each other about their bikes. Serving one another and building relationships through working together.

There is also a place for the homeless at SOPO. There are homeless people that build their bikes and are also regular volunteers who teach dumb people like me how to pimp their bike out. SOPO embraces the homeless community and gives them a place where they belong and can be used.

SOPO is what the church should be...inclusive, non-judgemental, relational, serving and reaching out to the broken....just like Jesus.

Childhood Reminder #3: Wendy's Frosty

Today on the way home from the beach, Jed and I were driving through the small town of Eufala, AL and stopped at Wendy's for lunch. I don't eat much fast food anymore. If I do, it's usually Chic-fil-A. But it's hard to avoid fast food on a road trip, and being that there wasn't much to choose from in Eufala, Wendy's it was!

I cannot go to Wendy's without getting a Frosty. This softserve ice cream is the perfect blend of chocolaty sweetness. I love when it starts melting around the edges. But most importantly, it reminds me of childhood. My best friend's mom used to always take Lara and me through the Wendy's drive-thru to get Frostys.

Nowadays when you order a Frosty, you have to specify which flavor...Chocolate or Vanilla? I always forget this, because when I was a child, these options didn't exist. It was chocolate..that was it; plain, simple and delicious. Wendy's has even ventured into making the "Frosty-cino", which is their version of a Frappacino. They continue to try and remorph the Frosty with Frosty shakes, Frosty floats and then the Twisted Frosty, which is basically a rip-off of the Dairy Queen blizzard (another childhood reminder).

But no matter how enticing the marketing team at Wendy's tries to make those imposter Frostys look, nothing can replace the original chocolate Frosty. The Frosty of the Frostys. Because it takes me back to those days as a child going through the drive thru with Lara after one of our tennis clinics or just riding through town running errands on a hot summer day. Yummy.

Guest Blogger: Guy's perspective on the "Good Things" about Dating

Ok, ladies and gentleman. I recently had a very enlightening conversation with a guy friend on what else, but DATING! It all began when I was telling him about another Nashville friend, Andy Merrick's brilliant blog series entitled, "Why guys aren't asking you out". Take my word for it that it's worth carving out time to read...both witty and insightful. Check it out.

This friend and I have had several insightful conversations on this topic. This particular conversation extended over into email, and it was so insightful that I asked him if I could share it with my very small blog community. He gave me permission, so long as I kept his identity undisclosed. You can try to guess who it is, but I will not crack. My promise of anonymity is too important to break.

So again, backstory is that I asked for his thoughts on Andy's blog series, and this was his feedback (take notes):

I think one of the overarching issues is the maturity level of how we view dating, especially as it relates to the initial stages of getting to know someone. We've loaded so much weight, emphasis and assumptions on the first date or two that we've removed the fun, mystery and natural process of just going on a date to get to know someone. Sure there needs to be intention and wisdom with whom we choose to go on a date, but isn't the purpose of the first few dates to simply say "I'm initially attracted to you and would like to learn more about who you are"? We aren't as free as we should be to just relax, have fun, go out and see if there may be more there. Instead, we've created a dating culture that puts too much pressure on a first date so a guy sometimes feels like he needs to "know" before he even asks her out. Perspective is a good thing

Another factor that wears guys out is the game of not immediately asking a girl out because we should "play it cool" for the girl's sake. I can think of several girls that I was interested in asking out but friends close to them said, "With this girl you can't just straight up ask her out. She's the kind of girl you have to be cool, play your cards right and then ask her out." Guys often don't know what this practically looks like and ultimately feel like it's too complicated a process so we just say "she's high-maintenance" or "this girl doesn't know what she wants" or "forget it" and move on. Granted we need a balance here. A girl can't come on strong and needs to be pursued (not the other way around) and a guy can't be too preemptively aggressive either, but I don't see why calling a girl for a healthy, laidback first date needs to be so scrutinized and strategic. Simplicity is a good thing.

I heard someone say recently that asking a girl out is like throwing your fishing line in the water. First you have to throw your hook and bait near the fish just so the fish can get "comfortable" with the bait being near it. Then you have to leave it in the water and move the worm around long enough for the fish to become "interested" in the bait. Then once it "bites" the bait you hook it (ask her out). If a girl is wondering why someone isn't asking her out, there may just be a few guys that are in the process of trying to figure out if she is comfortable, interested and going to bite. And there's a chance that one of her girl friends has given the guy that advice. Consistency is a good thing.

A final thought is to not be the close "friend girl" to a bunch of guys. Guys usually think this kind of girl is cool and just one of the boys. It's a fine status to have as long as you don't want to be asked out. It's good to have a few "just friends" of the opposite sex but don't be the girl that is often the lone female hanging with a bunch of dudes. Guys like to know that a girl has stable, close friendships with other girls. Balance is a good thing.

I hope you've enjoyed this little nugget. Comments and feedback welcome and encouraged.