This morning I was listening to the Bert Show on my way to work, and they were talking about the Rihanna interview where she finally speaks out about her abusive relationship with Chris Brown.They were talking about her continually mentioning and emphasizing how embarrassed she was about the situation. They couldn't understand why Rihanna was so embarrassed, because it wasn't her fault, etc. I almost called in to the show, because something unexplainable was whelming up inside of me as I listened to this segment and remembered having those same feelings of embarrassment after getting out of an abusive relationship in my mid-twenties.
But I didn't call in, because I'm still embarrassed. I never talk about this part of my life, because I'm still embarrassed. But the fact is, it's part of my story and by the grace of God, I was delivered. I'm not going to broadcast this part of my life with a megaphone, but I shouldn't be silenced by shame, so here goes...
I was in an abusive relationship for a year...but it took a year and 2 beatings before I woke up and realized I was even in an abusive relationship. That's very embarrassing.
Also, the possibility of I could allow myself to be victim to an abusive relationship never occurred to me....even when it was happening. When I think of domestic abuse, I always pictured uneducated, weak women with a dysfunctional family life, living in the backwoods. I was a 25-yr-old attractive, successful, college-educated woman. I was raised to be strong and independent, but somehow I ended up in both an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I even left my life and friends in Atlanta to move to Nashville to be with my abuser, because I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship. That's very embarrassing.
But once I was OUT and reflected back, the signs were there. For example, if I tried to walk away when we fought, he would grab me HARD, sling me around or pin me down on the ground or against the wall. It would startle me, but again, I never thought he would really hurt me. I remember one night, we were fighting on a street corner, and a cop pulled me aside and said, "Is he going to hurt you? Do you need me to intervene?" I looked at him completely mortified and said, "No, that's crazy. He's not going to hurt me." Then the cop said, "Well, if he hasn't hurt you yet, there's a good chance he will. I've seen these things too many times and the way he is handling you is typical of abuse." That freaked me out a little, but I passed it off for a paranoid cop who didn't know our situation and I would never date someone that would be abusive.
The actual beating didn't happen until a month before I moved to Nashville. We were having one of our typical drunk fights, but this time he snapped. He slammed me against the wall and started choking me. When I broke free and ran in the house to grab my things, he again pinned me down on the ground and bit me and did whatever in his power to try and keep me from leaving. But he never actually threw a punch at me, so even after this, I STILL didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship! After he cried and groveled to me with the shame of what he'd done, he convinced me it was a one-time thing, he was drunk, he will never do that to me again, blah, blah, blah.
But it did happen again, a few months later, after I had dropped my life in Atlanta to be with him in Nashville. And that was when I realized that sure enough, I-attractive, successful, educated me-was in fact in an abusive relationship. And that's when I got out and with the help of family, friends and Divine intervention, I quickly moved back to Atlanta to get far away from him.
But I am still to this day embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that it took me that long to get out...that I didn't walk away after the first sign, much less the first beating. Embarrassed that I allowed someone to have that kind of control over me. Embarrassed I didn't listen to friends that warned me of the red flags they saw in our relationship. Embarrassed that I allowed him to rob me of my confidence and independence.
But what I learned is that it absolutely can happen to anyone, and the least suspecting man can have these abusive issues and the least suspecting woman can be a victim of domestic abuse. For those women who are like I was and think "I will never get myself into that", think again. Along with your own denial, physical abuse is coupled with emotional abuse, and as most abusers, mine was a master manipulator. He would attack my inner intuition to where I didn't know what was right, wrong or who I even was anymore.
So all I can say to women in any relationship is to stay aware and listen to your intuition...God gave women extra intuition for a reason. Listen to those around you who are able to see the situation from the outside. And don't let embarrassment or shame silence you.

